“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
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chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.