me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
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I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Alexa: *deep breath*