Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
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A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Yes
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house