Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
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There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”