Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
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Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure