my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
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*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
c’mon!
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!