When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
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Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
bout dat hot dog summer
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
<- sleeps well with others
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.