I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
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*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
LMAO
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!