Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
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I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
This will never not be funny to me.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.