Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
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My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
How I like cutting carbs
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Dudes named Chance never had one.