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⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
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INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.