Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
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When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”