[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
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My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY