I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
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He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️