robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”