Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
The prophecy is fulfilled
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.