I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
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Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
😂🤣😂🤣
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?