If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
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a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.