Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
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Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working