Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
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[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
*offers Batman cough drops*
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
*puts cutlery down*
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*