First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
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Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.