*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
You Might Also Like
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.