I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
What is going on? 😅
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Huge, if true.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*