ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
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Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Not all heroes wear capes.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.