[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
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me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow