*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
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How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Thoughts
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Dead sexy!!
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake