If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
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[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Perfection.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*