We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
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Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball