When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
My good tweets are in my other pants.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.