My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
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“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
it is time once again
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.