My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
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Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Customize Your Wedding.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.