Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
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Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
a god among men
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me