“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
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Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.