I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
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felt cute might bury dad later idk
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Education is vital
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.