[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
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The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.