So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
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ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad