Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.