Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
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Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets