by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
“Why you watching this shit?”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes