If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
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Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
This is amazing.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.