[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
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I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle