When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
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[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
[the middle of showering] I need a break
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you