Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
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HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
#growingpains
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…