Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
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M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid