Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
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What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
🐕🍷