“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
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Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
live long and prosper!
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls