Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
You Might Also Like
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
mentally somewhere in italy
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.