“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
work smarter, not harder
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
some Old Testament wisdom
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Friends that check up on you >
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances