Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
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Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I only eat vegetarians.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Investing in beetcoin
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.