CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
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A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
No regrets in 2018
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster